What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 06:42
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
How are Hinduism and Sikhism related, considering they both originated in Punjab, India?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Would this be the day?
How do I become an intelligent man?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I have no regrets .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
What makes you feel guilty the most?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Put me off passion for life!!
How do I become mentally strong?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Comes on , in middle age.
But it wasn’t much.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So, i spoilt her more .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Can I fix a fridge leak myself, or should I call a pro?
So whats the point in blame.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why are black people seen as scary or a threat to some people?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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I was scared of men, in general
We were not on the streets..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i do to all so called friends.?
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
What’s the weirdest phone call you have ever received?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She married twice! .
What do dreams about dead people mean?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why do men prefer low-maintanence women?
All the time i was locked up.
I write beautiful poetry .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I couldn’t, believe it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My family never makes their pension either.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i lived it daily.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He knew the spot.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
What did i know ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I waited trembling.
Ive learnt so much.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It was going to be , some day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im still living with it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I could never make a relationship work though!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I think the readers, may guess!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I will be 64.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She loved him until the end.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
When she asked me how she looked .
She wouldn,t have been !
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why did i forgive my father ?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Who then, do I blame.?
But, we were locked up after school.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is soul school!.
She was in good health!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She found it foreign!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot live in the past .
I was seconnd youngest,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was 9 years of age.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I don,t even have a pension.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My life is so biszare .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I said to her
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was very sick at this time too.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We all went to grammer schools
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
(And it was in our own minds.)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!